The Teachings of Ram Dass

I AM: Divine Nature

The minute you start to allow yourself to be beautiful, the minute you can say not I would be fine if I were this way, but I Am, I Am.

Close your eyes and say to yourself now, I Am.

And look at all your stuff and just let it be. Don’t wish it any other way than it is, and just say I Am and allow your personality and all it’s problems, your body and all it’s problems, your social scene and economic scene and all it’s problems, see it all as just the workings of nature, like trees grow and trees die and rivers and fish and birds and brooks and all of it. Just look at it all and allow it space, and see that within it all, I Am.

I Am. I Am.

And as more and more you begin to recognize the I Am, when you look at other beings, you will see that in them. And I Am meets I Am in love….not romantic love, not possessive love, not needful love, not jealous love, not the polarity of love and hate in the ocean of love, because you can add on I Am Love.

I Am Love.

I’m not asking you what your emotions are at this moment.

I Am Love.

I Am Awareness.

I Am Energy.

Feel your whole body as merely a pulsating pattern of energy, all of your thoughts as forms of energy. See it all as just patterns and patterns of energy.

I Am the Spirit Made Manifest.

I Am the Spirit Made Manifest.

I Am what I Am and I Am God.

All of the difficulties with your body, all of the difficulties in your social world, all of the difficulties in your personality, all will fall into perspective when you recognize I Am. Some of them will disappear because you won’t need them anymore. And some of them you will understand as the perfect expression of the working out of your karma, and you will allow them to continue.

Make sure you heard that.

When you have entered into the place of I Am, then all your physical problems, all of your social problems, all of your psychological problems will come into perspective. Those that you do not need will fall away. Others you will recognize as the perfect working out of your karma, and you will allow them to continue.

I Am Love

Who I Am is not vulnerable.

When your body dies, I Am. Before time, I Am.

With each problem you think you have, see that it is your model of having the problem that is the problem. Don’t analyze your way out of it. Just sit down quietly and follow your breath. And if you can learn how to talk to God, or talk to your inner guru, open your heart. Be in an intimate relationship with your beloved. Talk through the Divine Mother. Be in Love with the spirit of God. Open your heart in the inner chambers and say to your beloved, Let me know you. Let me merge into you.Let me even pass by my separateness of my love for you to become One with you.

That’s the prayer.

When you pray to God, pray for God, that’s the route home. It’s all said, it’s right there. It’s in every motel room. The living Truth, everything you needed to know is sitting right there, right there.

Ram Dass.

Thank You For Everything.

I’ve just returned from a lovely walk with my Border Collie, Willow. Whilst walking, I looked around me and I felt so blessed to be in this space and time.

As I walked, I repeated one of my favourite chants to the time of my footsteps.

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna
Krishna Krishna Hare Hare
Hare Rama Hare Rama
Rama Rama Hare Hare

I marvelled at the changing season. Spring! Spring is springing up everywhere! The daffodils, the snowdrops, the very pregnant sheep in the fields. I love it. I love it all.

As the wind blew and the sun shone, I felt overcome with gratitude and love for nature and for the fact that I am a part of this divinity and as I looked at my surroundings I sent out messages of love and gratefulness.

Thank you for the trees, their love energy surrounding me as I walk beneath them. I am you and you are me. 
Thank you for the wind as it's strong energy blows all around me, in me, through me. I am you and you are me.
Thank you for the seasons and the new signs of spring. I am you and you are me.
Thank you for the flowers which bless me with their beauty. I am you and you are me.
Thank you for the water which flows fiercely in the streams by the side of the lane. I am you and you are me.
Thank you for the rain. So heavily it has fallen these past few weeks, leaving streams and puddles and making everything smell fresh and alive. I am you and you are me. 
Thank you Father Sun as your warmth lights up my face. I am you and you are me.
Thank you Sweet Mother Earth for all that you give. For offering your love so graciously to all who walk with you. I am you and you are me. 

Feeling those wonderful feelings of gratefulness for all we have, whatever that may be, is the path to God, to Source energy, to the Divine within ourselves for we are not separate from The Whole.

Namaste. May your day be filled with blessings and joy.

We Are One With All That Is.

These excerpts are taken from the beautiful documentary, Another World. The film that will change the way you see the world.

Our time has become a mechanised nightmare. A machine wakes us up in the morning. We get into another machine which takes us to our work place where, you can bet, our job is to work in front of another machine for the entire day, all day long. And then at the end of a day like this, we get back into another machine and we go back home and we find more machines which are in charge of our recreation. At the end of a month of this sort of life, we get in return for our time, which is sacred, an amount of money, the most successful hypnosis of our planet. And with that money, we happily rush out to buy new machines.

In today’s culture, an ever increasing part of society, from young children to adults, live in a virtual world. Within the boundaries of their devices, their iPad, their chat, it’s a life that conditions us to never be connected to what is happening around us. To cease being agents of life and to become subjects of life, passive subjects of life.

Nature. It doesn’t belong to us. It’s all borrowed stuff. I’m not a materialistic person. I’m not gonna take it with me. As long as I’m here to enjoy what I have and who I’m with.

Westin Luke Penuma
Member of the Hopi Tribe

Native Americans end their prayers with one simple phrase; to all my relations. What I ask the Great Spirit, or give thanks to Mother Earth for all I receive, I give to all my relations. Not only on a humanistic level, but my relatives, the trees, the grass, rivers, animals, birds, insects. Because I realise that if all this is around me there is sense in everything.

Today, we are going back to the understanding that the earth as the great mother. That we belong to her, not that she belongs to us. Therefore we have to respect her. We have to treat her as a Great Mother. With love and with respect.

…Europeans use three tools to achieve this conquest ( genocide of Native Cultures). The first was the sword. The second was religion and the third was the calendar. The Christian calendar, the Gregorian calendar, destroyed human synchronisation with nature and the movements of the stars across the sky, implementing a calendar based on the life of one person, which is Jesus and determined from the probable time of his birth how to count time and create a calendar. That tool was the most important instrument, the one that contributed in a greater way to change the conception of human beings today, to stop thinking that time is all we have, the only treasure for human beings, only to have it changed into a merchandise. The calendar has to do with taxes with the duty of human beings to remunerate in money or with work for the work that is done. What it did was to formally establish that a lifetime can be quantified, bought and even sold. In other words, our life is no longer our life, but the life of he who pays us for our time.

Everywhere is the center of the world. Everything is sacred.

Black Elk

We’ve been living for thousands of years in an artificial time, (theoretically divided into 24 hours, 60 minutes, 60 seconds) in which we are convinced that time is money. These cycles do not belong to natural time.

“Everything about Hopi life is about nature. We give thanks to the Father Sun. We give thanks to Mother Earth for letting us walk her land and enjoy her beauty of life.

Westin Luke Penuma
Member of the Hopi Tribe

To Indians, Mother Earth is what gives us shelter. The mother that supports us the human being. Just like the animals, trees, sky, clouds, grass, stones. We are one of the many links in the endless chain of Creation. So we all belong to just one ONE. We are different aspects of one reality. We were the ones who shattered it, created the differences, split it up and this is the reason we are unhappy. We never see ourselves as what’s reflected around us because we always see ourselves as separate from it.

We are all from this earth (…) You should treat all things as though they are Spirit. Realize that we are One family. We are all one thing.

Red Crow

I am you in your mistakes, in your shadows, in your luminosity. I am a reflection of you and, maybe, the things I like least about you are the things I like least about me. And that means not only to a greeting to another human being but to everything that exists. With you tree, with you sky, with you mountain, with you raindrop, with everything that exists. There is nothing that exists from The Whole.

We ourselves are made up of 70 – 80% water and this happens to be the same as with the earth. The so called terraqueous globe is made of water up to 70 – 80%. We call her Mother earth because we obviously come from her. If that’s where we come from, we must have the same properties. And where does the earth come from? Doesn’t it come from what we call The Cosmos? And isn’t that cosmos, that mysterious dark energy which we think we’ve been looking for at all levels and which we do not find, that dark energy is thought.

In The Universe, there is nothing that can be stronger than thought. It is thought that generates matter. Matter is about the effect of the cosmic thought, of a cosmic project that has enabled it to reveal itself.

Whether we like it or not, we are the cause of ourselves. By coming into this world we come under the illusion on senses: we believe what is apparent. The fear seizes us and we forget that we are Divine, that we can alter the course of events.

Giordano Bruno

You are what your deep driving desire is. As your desire is, so is your will. As your will is, so is your deed. As your deed is, so is your destiny.

Brihadaranyaka Upanishad 1V.4.5

I am not affiliated with Gaia TV in any way but I do like to share the link because I encourage people to try truth TV. If you’d like to watch Another World, you can do so here.

Namaste sweet sisters and brothers.

Chakra Series. Part one.

Introduction to Chakras

The word Chakra derives from the Sanskrit ( ancient language of India) word ‘wheel’ ‘circle’ and emerged from the thousands of years old Hindu vedas which depict Chakras as energy centres within our subtle body and which receive, transform and distribute universal life force throughout the body. 

Whilst it is most common for us to steer more toward the ancient vedic teachings of India in order to understand more about the Chakra systems, in actual fact, there is evidence of ancient texts from Africa, the Middle East and other areas of Asia. In short, knowledge of our subtle energy centres has been known around the globe for thousands of years. 

There are hundreds of chakras located in and outside of our auric field but, for now, we will concentrate on the seven major chakras of which we are most familiar. These are:

The nature of our mind-body-spirit connection can be understood in terms of the chakra system as chakras form the model of our physical, emotional and spiritual health. Knowledge of how to maintain balance within our chakra systems is key to living a healthier and happier life. When any one of them is spinning with a weak vibration, this can manifest as a physical symptom affecting a particular area of your body, or as an emotional or psychological symptom affecting your outlook. Each chakra rotates in a spiral vibration and at a different frequency; the first chakra ( Muladhara) is the densest energy and therefore vibrates at the slowest frequency, whereas, moving up through the chakra systems to the seventh ( Sahasrara) is of the lightest energy and therefore vibrates at a much faster and more exquisitely refined frequency. 

Root Chakra
Sacral Chakra
Solar Plexus Chakra
Anahata                Heart Chakra

  Throat Chakra
Third eye Chakra
Crown Chakra

Each Chakra has a corresponding element, symbol, colour, musical note, mantra, physical sence, essential oil, crystal, organ of the physical body, emotional aspect of the human experience, astrological sign and planet.

Over the coming weeks, each blog post will cover an in-depth exploration of each chakra in turn, starting with Muladhara. I shall also be expanding on ways of how you can align yourself with Universal life force energy by means of working on balancing each chakra point. In addition to this, I shall be explaining the connection between the marma points of the body (referred to as acupressure points according to traditional Chinese Medicine) and the Chakra points as well as including links to chakra cleansing meditations.

Namaste Beautiful Ones.

Ganesha, Mandala and The Flower of Life: My tattoo

As an artist, I do love tattoos. Especially when they are well-designed creations painted with skill.

However, this isn’t quite how I would describe my initial four small tattoos which were impulse purchases between the ages of fourteen and eighteen. Absolutely no thought went into them whatsoever. I literally would just rock up the nearest tattooist and with a few quid in my pocket, pick out something from the book of designs and go for it!

Fast forward 30 years and things have changed dramatically in the UK.  For a start, it is illegal to tattoo any minor under the age of eighteen and conditions of the studios are subject to stringent health and safety regulations. A far cry from when, at age fifteen, I popped my boob out of my bra in front of a waiting room full of people and told the old tattooist to paint a rose on it!

I want to be a painted lady. I love tattoos

Last November, in Goa, I decided it was time again to make that mark on my skin . This time, however, it was going to be different. This time, I wanted my skin to be permanently painted with a design which meant something dear to me. A design which demonstrated who I was. A reflection of my inner mind, of what makes me tick.

Lord Ganesha.

The child of Shiva and Shakti, The Remover of Obstacles. The elephant headed God.

Understanding the metaphor of Shiva and Shakti is an understanding of great spiritual wealth. Adam and Eve,  Yin and Yang. Parusha and Prakruti. The Divine Feminine and Masculine energies from whenceforth we have all been created are Universal Truth and I wished to have this truth etched on my skin whilst I am alive and living in this 4D reality we call life.

I browsed various tattoo studios in North Goa but they were all shit. Less of a studio and more of a back ( or front ) street hovel. Side by side, these tattoo parlours line the tourist drag with nothing new or authentic to offer. The shop fronts all display the same photoshopped images of models with incredible tattoos which the artists can only dream of creating. One guy in a shop was so fucking stoned he couldn’t even make eye contact. I wasn’t going to let him loose on my arm!

And then I found Mandala Tattoo in Arambol. I noticed the painted sign hanging from up high so I climbed the stairs and entered into a proper art studio. Painted designs of manadals adorned the walls and I knew I had come to the right place.

I talked with Suraj, the beautiful Nepalese guy and the creator of the designs. He spoke with such creativity and with such passion for his work. I was hooked. I was in. This was the guy for me! We discussed the initial Ganesh design but what followed flowed from Suraj’s own beautiful and creative mind. He is a true artist.

My initial sittings were of Lord Ganesha. I slept. I actually SLEPT whilst being tattooed. I felt sooo relaxed! I knew I was supposed to be feeling pain but I didn’t. The sound of the gun and the pulling sensation on my arm was hypnotic.

During the mandala sitting I experienced a higher state of consciousness. Suraj tattooed my mandala with dot work.

I layed on the bed and felt the pain of that needle making minute dots into my skin. I knew I could overcome this pain, Instead of fearing this pain I knew I could make peace with it. And at the moment I decided to do that, at the moment I released my egoic mind, at the moment I decided to be completely present with this pain energy and to view it as my friend, I overcame it. I became one with the pain. I realised the pain as pure energy. And in the moment I did that, the energy of pain ceased to exist. The pain became an entity which I knew I had control over. And with this realisation, wonders happened.

Suraj and I became surrounded by pure light. It was Divine. My senses became extremely heightened. I could hear people talking on the balcony of the studio. And then I could see them even though a wall divided us. White light burst forth from my hands and fingertips.

And then I felt nothing, No pain. I could feel the tugging on my skin but the pain was completely numb.


Mandalas are very powerful energy forces. When we think about them, draw them, create them, we are, energetically, allowing ourselves to tap into a Universal truth. The Universe wants us to experience these truths. The Universe wants us to align with it’s forces because those forces are OUR forces because we ARE the Universe. Every single cell in our body is a mandala, is a Universal Truth. We are the microcosm of the macrocosm.

Please enjoy the photo’s of the unfolding of my tattoo.

Love Heidi xx




How a Child Realised Her Own Power

Manifestation stories 2

Hello beautiful readers.

I would like to share with you all a powerful story of how an eight-year-old child realised her own power. 

I wish to share this story with you so that I can gift, uplift and inspire you all so that you may understand the truth of your own being, your own power.

Your alignment with the universe is truly a thing of beauty and when it happens, it’s incredibly exciting!

So, I’ll start off with a story, which includes my daughter. Actually, it’s kind of her story. I was a guide but she was the one who manifested the magic 🙂

My twins have a very rare chromosome condition called Smith- Magenis syndrome, SMS for short. I won’t go too much into that now, but you can google it if you’re interested. But just to say, briefly, it’s where chromosome 17 is missing or a little bit wobbly in it’s own way and SMS, when compared with the behaviour presented by folks of ALL other disabilities and chromosome conditions ( I refuse to say abnormalities when I’m describing the condition – I really don’t like that word) is up there as the number one most challenging condition, behaviourally and physically.


By the time my daughter was eight years old, she was still wetting the bed nightly. She was fine during the day, but at night was totally incontinent. As a lone parent to 3 children and where my daughter’s twin, brother also had SMS, but very much more severe than India, I was tearing my hair out.

We had previously had meetings with the incontinence nurse who said, finally, that if the problem persisted we could have a bedwetting alarm or such thing, but it turned out we never actually needed this because magic happened instead!

I had recently read The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Dr Joseph Murphy and that book literally changed our lives. That book started my awakening process. I realised that my daughter, with my guidance, ( she was eight years old at the time) could quite literally heal her incontinence issues by herself and so I decided to guide her into giving it a go.

I didn’t sleep for years as people with SMS have reversed circadian rhythms so not only was I awake all night with m,y son who wore nappies until- forever, ( he still has pads at nearly 18 years old), but my daughter refused to so overnight I was changing sheets and nighties.

I coached my daughter into knowing that whatever she thought in her mind, and if she believed that, it would come true. When I put her to bed, I told her to imagine waking up in the morning completely dry. I asked her to visualise running into my bed in the morning with a completely dry nighty and bed sheets and I asked her to imagine, with all her might, the amazing feeling of a lovely dry bed, nightly, and how warm and cosy that would make her feel. I told her to NEVER EVER AGAIN think about the cold, wet, stickiness of a wet bed and nighty and to put that out of her mind completely. My daughter was super fired up and took the challenge well. No one more than she wanted her to heal.

Night One:

I sat by her and taught her to say, over and over, ‘Tonight I’m dry’ I watched her fall asleep this way.

It didn’t work and I told her not to give up and we would try again the next night.

Night two:

The same as above.

Night three:

She smashed it! Exactly as she had visualised, she ran into my bedroom in the morning as dry as a freaking bone!

My daughter, from that day onwards, has never wet the bed again. My (then) eight-year-old child healed herself of a debilitating aspect of her condition through the power of intent.

During her early teen years, whenever she was facing difficulties, I reminded her of her power but she shrugged it off saying I was just some hippy and she’ didn’t believe in all that shit’, hahaha.

Nearly 10 years on, my daughter has defied any preconceived ideas about how her condition should define her. She is strong-minded, focused on her desires and is a regular manifestator!  She absolutely refuses to be beaten by life circumstances and is one of the most positive people I know! When I’m having my mini breakdowns she holds me and says, ‘You can do this, mum’.

If she can align with the Universe and heal herself at eight years old, I’m sure we all can!

Please share your own amazing stories and let’s raise the vibration.


Love Heidi xxx

Kundalini Awakening Within Religion

This excerpt from the documentary KUNDALINI highlights how our kundalini energy, our awakened consciousness, which rises from the root chakra to the crown, is depicted in religions of the world.



Shiva Shakti represent the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine energies

According to Hindu tradition, Kundalini Shakti or the divine feminine energy resides at the base of the spine in the first chakra and slowly makes her ascent up the spine when she has been awakened. Her role as divine energy is to travel to the crown chakra at the top of the head to unite with her beloved Shiva, the divine masculine energy, or pure consciousness who is inert until the sacred circuit is completed. Shakti’s duty is to purify the individual in the soul body, physical body, mental body, psychological body and emotional body as she ascends, giving us her blessings to evolve to our maximum potential. Kundalini nourishes the Tree of Life within us and is coiled up like a sleeping snake and therefore it is called the serpent power.






Christians called it a reflection of the Holy Ghost. The Old Testament symbol becomes significant in Christianity when Christ suggests Kundalini awakening. And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness even as the Son of Man be lifted up that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have eternal life.




Mercury and the Caduceus

The caduceus, held by Roman God Mercury with one or two coiled serpents entwined around the staff, represents Kundalini which rises along the central, subtle channel in a spiral movement.




The Lord Buddha spoke of the Middle Path to achieve Nirvana. He was actually describing the central channel Sushumna which the Kundalini ascends from the root chakra to the crown chakra.



quranIn the Holy Quran, the prophet Mohammed Sahib talked of the day of resurrection when he says that The Hands Will Speak. When Kundalini awakening occurs a flow of energy in the form of cool vibrations from the hands is experienced. And the various chakras can be felt on parts of the hands and fingers.



The Hand of Hamesh 

Shekhina, the radiance of God is the Hebrew concept of Kundalini Shakti. It is a feminine Hebrew word meaning the dwelling or settling and is used to denote the dwelling or settling presence of God.




“The thing to be aware of though, when a person is going through the process of raising their kundalini Shakti, it’s very difficult for them to identify it and it’s what I call the false kundalini process or the false born again. It’s a fairly easy process if I were ruthless and wanted to control people, to lead them through it. What it is is a mind control technique. It’s really simple. It’s done quite often in charismatic churches. Where you:

  1. Allow the volume or your voice to go up and down.
  2. Tell a sad story, a happy story, knock a person’s emotional consciousness of balance.
  3. Induce guilt, fear or anger.
  4. Offer them a way to get rid of that.

They will swear on a bible they are born again and it has absolutely nothing to do with religion. It is a mind control game. It is actually a stage hypnosis induction technique.

It’s totally false and where it is so dangerous is, the pitfall is instead of you surrendering to the Divine, which is what makes a person raise the  consciousness slope, the person surrenders their authority to another human being. They look for some-ONE to surrender their authority to.”



Heidi xx

Healing Through the Power of the Full Moon ( and angels?)

So much seems to be happening to me lately, spiritually speaking. Even though I slept well and long, I still woke tired because it has been rather an eventful night. So, I’ll just get right on and tell you what happened to me, ( with me?)

Thursday 7th September 2017 and I turned in early, around 8.45pm that night. I decided to listen to the full moon meditation on one of the pages I have joined on facebook as the live broadcast of it had been the previous night and I’d missed it.

I placed my phone on the pillow next to me and almost immediately after the meditation started with the angelic voice of Charu, I felt something to start happening in my hands.

Firstly in my right, and then my left. It was as though a power was starting to flow through them. A description for the feeling is ‘fizziness’, if that makes sense. Not in the pins and needles type way, but in an energy type way. I was laid on my side at the time and I wondered what on earth was happening to my hands! And then the only way I can describe it was that I was ‘taken over’.

The energy in my hands quickly became something that wasn’t me and I could just feel this power coming through my body and out through my hands. I didn’t feel the same fizziness through my whole body but I could literally feel my body filling up with power. This force didn’t seem to have an entry point, you know? It wasn’t coming from my head for eg. My body as a whole, all at the same time, was becoming more and more powerful. It was very strong.

I was suddenly wide awake! The power extended beyond my body and filled the room! Although, of course, ‘filling a room’ is just an interpretation based on my physical experience, but really, I’m certain that this energy force, this power, extended far, far beyond the point of the physical restraints of my house!

As this power filled me up, I felt compelled to shift from lying on my side to lying on my back and then something that wasn’t ‘me’ extended my arms in the air and lifted my hands. I was lying there, in my bed, alone and with my arms and hands reached as long and as high as I could make them go, with a power surging through me. My eyes were wide and staring. It was absolutely incredible!

Charu’s voice was no longer coming from my phone on the pillow. It filled the whole room! And then she said something about raising your hands to allow this full moon power through you and I thought, ‘I am, I am! That is exactly what I’m doing!’

I can’t say this power was beautiful because it wasn’t. It wasn’t as though I was filled with a wonderful, sublime love energy, yet it wasn’t dark either. It was just very, very strong.

Now, I haven’t experienced period pains for 11 years as I last bled in September 2006. Suddenly, however, I felt my womb ache and again, a force outside of me ( or in me?) placed my vibrating hands right on my lower belly, and it wasn’t gently either. Everything was like BAM! And I held them there and then Charu said something about womb space, womb energy and again I thought, ‘Oh my God, this has just happened to me!’

The next feeling was extraordinary, ( as if the previous feelings weren’t!!). It was as though something was being extracted from deep inside me, yet it wasn’t from deep inside my physical body,. I mean deep, deep inside the very core of my being. It was so powerful! It was as though this bad stuff was being pulled from inside me and it caused me to involuntary arch my back. And I cried. But I didn’t cry like Boo Hoo Hoo. You know when you’re in so much emotional pain and when you cry that no noise comes out? You’re ready to but it’s like something is building up inside your belly waiting to let rip? Well, yeah. That happened. And I had no idea what was going on. I was just in it.

Again, the feeling wasn’t beautiful yet I realised then that the essence of what was happening, was. I knew that a lifetime ( and who knows how many more lifetimes ) of pain, heartache and shit was being released from me in the most intense way.  A profound healing was taking place.

And then I let it out!

A sound that came from inside the very depths of my belly, my being, just made its way up my body and out through my mouth. It wasn’t a cry or a scream, It was a long, loud, guttural Arrgghhh sound. Such release! And then I cried. And cried and cried. I laid there in the darkness of my room, swimming in an intensely powerful energy field with my hands on my womb and cried. And whilst I was crying, Charu’s voice, which seemed to come from another place, said something about not receiving love from your birth mother and again, it just completely connected to what I was experiencing at that time.

I looked up at my darkened room and saw two white lights. One to my left and one to my right. They weren’t blinding, bright lights or anything. They were faint yet not so faint that they escaped my notice. They weren’t huge either, more of a line each with no defining edges to them. And I stared at them, moving my eyes from one to the other and I felt them and didn’t know which one to look at first.

I stayed like this, surrounded with power in and around me for a time which I can’t define. Then the room was quiet and I could no longer hear Charu’s voice, presumably because the meditation had finished. I remember then that the power slowly died and went away, including the white lights and I just laid there, not in a peaceful state necessarily. I was exhausted and fell asleep.

When I woke up in the middle of the night I looked to see what time it was and it was 03:33am. This doesn’t surprise me anymore. The angels have been communicating to me through numbers, and many other ways, for 6 months now. Of course, I instantly remembered what had happened and I started to cry. I curled up, naked, in the fetal position and cried.

I started to nod off but then instead of sleeping, I began to astral project and I thought, ‘No. No, I can’t do this now’. But it was happening anyway whether I liked it or not. I didn’t astral project upwards, I was instead ‘rolling’ for want of a better word, off the side of my bed and then I was being spoken to by a voice. The voice had a sweet, kind energy about it. And the voice said, ‘You are coming and you are going down’. And I talked back to this voice but only through thought and I said, ‘what do you mean I’m going down? I don’t want to go down. I don’t want to go anywhere. Where are you taking me?’ I knew I was being taken to somewhere yet I didn’t feel scared. I think I was just too exhausted and so emotionally spent. I literally knew that resistance was not an option and so I then said, ‘Okay, I’ll go. Just do whatever it is you’re going to do. Just take me to wherever you’re taking me. Whatever you’re going to do to me, I surrender to what is’. And I say surrender but it felt to me more like a resignation because so much has happened to me lately along this same vein that I am in a space where I recognise that healings and awakenings of sorts are taking place at an alarming rate and this was just more of the same. I knew that whatever was about to happen to me, or however ‘bad’ it was going to be, was going to be more of my release of pain.

I was then lying in a road. A busy, main road and next to me was a little boy with brown hair. I don’t know who this boy was but he was just laying by my side. I didn’t feel any need to protect him, I didn’t recognise him, but I just know that I felt incredible sadness. I could see the cars on the other side of the road to where we were laying, just whizzing past yet none were on our side. I thought, ‘I’m going to stay here. Just let a fucking car come and run us over. Just kill me.’ I  had literally given up. And then I heard a car coming and I knew it was for me, yet this car remained at the same distance away, ( through sound only, I didn’t actually see the car). It was as though it was waiting for me to make a decision.

I made the decision to get up.

I didn’t want to die on that road. I had changed my mind and decided that I would actually quite like to live. So I got up and I took that boy with me over to the path and stood by a wall. And that was it. I don’t remember anything else.

I woke up in the morning and cried. I cried in my bed, I cried sitting on the loo, I cried and cried and felt so heavy with emotion that I couldn’t see how I was going to function properly that day with all the things I have to do. I felt like I’d been beaten up. Every muscle in my body ached.

Clearly, a healing had taken place but I didn’t feel light or energised in any way. However, life goes on and my day progressed and happily, I ended up seeing my beautiful granddaughter that day. She has the power to lift me because I love her so, so much and she makes me laugh and I always feel so happy when I’m around her, the lovely little 2-year-old energy that she is.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for my healing.





Awakening of Consciousness. My Personal Story.

Seeings that so much is happening with me lately on a spiritual level, I’d like to tell you about an experience I had in 2008. It’s a really long time ago now but it’s still as real to me now as though it happened yesterday. But it’s really important I tell people now as I’ve only told about three, maybe four people in that time. It was an extraordinary experience. And I’m trusting that if you’re interested, you’ll stay with me and I really hope you do. So, grab yourself a drink of some kind and thank you in advance for reading.

I’ve never really had a name for my experience. I just know that it was divinely beautiful and that I’d reached a much higher state of consciousness.

I just know that I’ve held the experience in my heart for all this time. And then when the children became older I was able to explore a little bit more of what interested me, I started to look into Kundalini awakening and thought maybe it was that, but I don’t know, to be honest.

However, something I’ve come across recently, through studying the science behind yoga and Hindu philosophy and traditions, is a beautiful Sanskrit word, three words actually, Sat Chit Ananda. Sat means existence. Chit means consciousness and Ananda means bliss. From what I’ve read, it pretty much sounds like what was going on for me during my experience.

Now, I’m no enlightened yogi and certainly wasn’t then either. Okay, I am clairvoyant, clairsentient and have been seeing and feeling spirit all my life, ( ‘handed down to me’ by my dad and his mum who was an extremely gifted clairvoyant ), my earliest memory being when I was four years old, but I wasn’t practising anything remotely spiritual in my life back then save the usual ‘law of attraction’ stuff  ( which lets face is fed to us not about being spiritual, not about love but simply about what we can get. That car, that house etc etc.) and I had absolutely no knowledge at all about the higher state of consciousness which Indian yogis, devoted 24/7 to their practice spend their lives trying to attain and I don’t even know if that is what I experienced anyway. I was just me. I’m not being big headed about this, you know, like, Oh, people try to attain this state all their lives, I don’t know about any of that, I’m not egotistical about what happened to me either. All I know is that this incredible experience happened to me and I need to start telling people about it. It’s time now.

I’ve been a lone parent for 27 years and I can’t deny that it’s been hard as three out of my five children are disabled with a chromosome condition called Smith Magenis Syndrome and it is claimed, by geneticists and doctors, that if you compare this particular condition, SMS for short, with other disabilities and chromosome conditions, ie, Fragile X, autism, Downs Syndrome etc, SMS presents with the highest level of challenging behaviours and traits. It is very difficult for the individuals with SMS and it is very difficult for the parents raising those children.  However, I do strongly believe that we choose each other, we choose our lives and our birth families. We come back time and again to learn lessons and to release the karmic patterns. And I am eternally grateful to my children for choosing me because, without them, this story wouldn’t be what it was. Maybe I would never have even had reason to write it. However, even having said all that, raising my children alone for all these years has been hard. VERY, VERY, VERY HARD. The challenging behaviours to deal with alone was phenomenally hard and I would get very down. Not major bouts of depression, luckily, because I didn’t have time to be depressed and I seem to have been gifted with this enormous strength of character. Since childhood, I’ve been very good at picking myself up and brushing myself off. But still, I had no quality of life and neither did my daughter Hope. Everything you know, everything you take for granted from basic stuff like sitting down to a meal, to taking a crap, from going out shopping to cooking to anything, ANYTHING, was hard. Rune couldn’t cope with having anyone other than me or his sisters at home. He was violent (in his nonmeaning way- when you can’t communicate through speech and you feel scared/ frustrated/ etc- what else can you do) and India, although higher functioning than Rune, was struggling in the same way. It was a nightmare for Hope.

Day to day was always challenging. People stare A LOT!

Anyhow, the precursor to my Spiritual experience came in the way of a visit to our local theatre to watch a Pantomime. I had signed us up to attend with a local group of other disabled children and their parents and carers. We were to be given a special area of the theatre where our kids could behave as they needed to without disturbing the other guests viewing.

We were late!

Getting all the kids ready to leave the house at the same time,  coping with anxieties born from excitement from my two SMSers, changing Rune’s continence nappy again for the millionth time, trying to persuade India that she really did need a coat and all the other tooing and frowing that normally went with us trying to get out of the door, meant that we were late arriving.

Anyway, the usher didn’t know where our group was seated so just hurriedly sat us in some spare seats with other members of the audience. It was awful! People moaned about us and my children to my face because they couldn’t keep still and were jumping up and down and then India needed the loo so I had to leave Hope to cope with Rune herself and she was only ten years old and just a child herself then. Oh, and she cried to me when I returned from the loo, that the people seated behind us then started to moan at her too! Oh God, how difficult that must have been for my poor girl.

Why didn’t you just pack up the kids and leave that theatre, Heidi?

I never give up, is the answer to that. When it comes to my children, I just keep going because I know that in the next second, or minute, hour, week, or sometime this year, or next year, things might, just might, improve. When it comes to any shitty situation, I know deep down in my heart that there will come a time when life will improve And I just wanted to give the kids lots of life experiences and memories of days out and holidays. I knew that if I kept a hold of what went before with the tantrums and meltdowns and smashing objects, the physical pain of being hurt and generally abused, I would never do anything anymore. I would just keep us all locked indoors and have even less of a quality of life than we already had. So I chose to forget and just keep going. I’m nothing if not tenacious! I just never believed that my children’s disabilities could stop us, I suppose.

However, that theatre experience was bloody awful and it knocked me for six. It wasn’t just one of those ‘pick yourself back up and brush yourself off’ times.

I was angry that people could be so cruel and unaccommodating ( even though I knew deep down that they had every right to go to the theatre and view a performance that they had paid for, without having their time there ruined by two kids with SMS)!

I was so, so desperately heartbroken for Hope. My poor girl who was just, over and over, getting her life shat on from a great height by SMS. You can read a little about her life and SMS here.

I was thinking WHY ME? What have I done to deserve this pain? I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel and I just didn’t know how to make things better anymore. I couldn’t see how I could pick myself up from this. I was sick to death of doing it all on my own, no support, respite, no break from this life. I didn’t care that we had all chosen each other or that ‘we are given only what we can cope with’. I was in despair of how I could carry on. I couldn’t see an end to this. Every day just trudging on and trying to keep afloat through this quagmire of Smith Magenis Syndrome. Not one day went pass without something happening with the twins. Even the good days were never challenge free. I was exhausted and in complete despair and I had run out of hope for the future. I wanted to curl up in a ball in some far away cave, away from life and be left alone. I just wanted peace. I wanted and desperately needed a break.

The Awakening.

I have no idea on what date or what time my awakening happened. All I know is that for the next few days, ( or it might’ve even been utill the next evening), my feelings of despair continued.

The girls were playing downstairs and Rune was asleep and I decided to take a bath. I sat in the water, curled up with my knees to my chest and cried. I wondered how I could kill myself but realized I couldn’t because I had children and they were disabled, and even Hope who is mainstream; who would care for them? I am their life as they are mine and I am all they have but in those moments I saw no life, no future, only a never ending cycle of hardship and heartbreak.

I cried into my knees and begged, begged and pleaded for help. Who I was asking for this help, I didn’t at that time know. I just knew that I needed some.

And then it happened.

What I am about to describe to you I can only put in my English speaking words, just vocabulary but it means nothing. There is simply no words on this planet that can describe to you what happened to me. The bliss. Bliss, one word. Unconditional Love, two words.  I can use words such as beautiful, fantastic, amazing, sublime, lovely, incredible etc.etc. but really, they don’t even come close to adequately describing the enormity of feeling of the pure Love I felt. It’s not like the love you feel when you love someone with all your heart- it was beyond realms love – it is a love of another dimension type love. A God love. A universal love. Our true nature Love. It’s a love that cannot be described because it can only be felt.

It started with a pain in my head. Small at first but intensifying very quickly to the point where I was clutching my head with both hands and thinking, Shit, shit, shit, I am having a brain aneurysm in the bath! Oh my God, my girls are going to come upstairs and find me dead! I had no idea what was happening to my head, all I knew was that the pain was off the scale. I felt like my brain was going to explode. At this point I hadn’t connected this pain in my head with my begging for help and strength and why would I? It felt as though my head had just been run over by a truck and my brains squished out on the road! I was so, so scared and just remember thinking, this is it. I’m fucking dying in the bath.

Then in a heartbeat, the pain was gone!

What replaced it was pure, undiluted, unconditional Love energy. It started in the crown of my head with the same like full-on intensity as the pain only seconds before and then washed over me entirely. It was as though it was being poured from a jug into the top of my head and it was cascading down and through my whole body.  I could feel every single cell in my entire body, become super alive with this sublime Love energy. This amazing, non-worldly energy washed through me, up and down, all over and then some!

Then suddenly I was healed. There was no pain, sadness, past or future. Nothing existed only the moment. I was flooded with a knowledge about our entire existence as spiritual beings. I saw everything, EVERYTHING! I saw the cosmos. I saw light and dark. I saw different dimensions. The dark doesn’t exist. Only light exists. I saw why we are here. I saw my life, past lives and why we come here. We are here to experience only true love. This is true! Anything you may have read about this I can tell you unequivocally this is true! There is NO BAD!  It is only good! I became the Universe. No,  I was the Universe! I can’t properly describe to you this knowledge because I can’t tell you! It was a ‘knowing’ that came from another dimension. A God dimension. And it wasn’t linear. If I tried to explain to you, this happened and then I knew that it wouldn’t make sense because it wasn’t like that. It was all in one. Timeless, formless. And the feeling of Unconditional Love! Oh my!

I no longer remained seated in the bath. I jumped up and stood there, alive with Love energy. So here’s a thing. Interestingly, I had been given a book sometime back by my sister. The book was called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I’d read a bit and I could see it was beautiful teachings but I wasn’t ready for it. Probably too bloody knackered to read at bedtime, to be honest with you. (Rune and India, having reversed circadian rhythms, a symptom of Smith-Magenis syndrome, didn’t really sleep at night. I was pretty much permanently tired so bedtime was precious. If they were asleep when I turned in, I made certain I would grab what sleep I could before the nightly rounds)!

Anyway, I was ‘told’, ‘guided’ to read this book, and which I have done since that evening.

I saw that there is nothing to fear. We are all so perfect and we are all so beautiful. And we are so, so loved. I was given the knowledge that there is no need for this pain we carry around with us in this physical world. All those feelings which completely destroy us. Feelings of rejection and pain and heartache. WE are pure light! We are pure Love! And we walk around on the earthly plane not even knowing it. But I knew it then and I felt it and I was it. I had reached a dimension where I was one with all things, one with all beings, one with the Universe. And it was the most amazing and beautiful experience. 

Yet, it wasn’t over.

So I’m stood in my bath and smiling. I have no idea if I was physically smiling but my whole being felt as though I was all the smiles on the faces of all the people in this world. I was so happy! Again, that happiness cannot be described. We think we experience happiness here because we’ve got a new this or that, or this thing is happening, or we’re seeing that person or going on that holiday or we’ve just had some great sex etc. Please don’t misunderstand me. It’s great to feel that happiness. It’s just not the same happiness as true, undiluted, unconditional happiness which you feel when you’re seeing things through Gods eyes!

So I got out of my bath soaking wet and remember not feeling cold. I felt nothing in the physical sense. I was Pure Love! However, habit dictated I put a towel around me and I went to my bedroom. I felt as though I floated to my room, not walked although I can’t clarify that. It’s just how it felt. I mean, considering what I was experiencing, anything could’ve happened, right? I sat on my bed and there was no past, and there was no future. There was just pure, beautiful stillness. Stillness and peace. That was it. That is all there was. That is all there is. There was nothing wrong in the world. There was nothing wrong inside me. There was no ego. It had left me and instead, there was just Divine Love. I could’ve been sat there for five minutes, I could’ve been sat there for an hour. I don’t know! Time simply ceased to exist. Because in our purest form, time doesn’t exist anyway! Like so many other parts of our physical experience, time is a man made concept to assist us on our linear journey through space but in reality, nothing is linear. It’s all happening at the same time and I was that. I had reached far beyond the confines of time and existed only in the here and now. I understood that there is no beginning and no end.

I sat still on my bed and my eyesight became more heightened than the most powerful telescope this planet has ever invented. 

My bedroom did not look as it normally looked! Smart T.V’s have got nothing on Pure Light, let me tell you that much!

Everything had an aura, from my furniture to my curtains. A lovely, purple, vibrating aura surrounded everything and I understood energy and it is beautiful! I looked at my duvet cover and I could see the energy of the molecules and beyond inside the strands of the thread which made up the close stitching which in turn made the duvet cover what it was. Again, a sublime, gentle vibrating. Everything was vibration. And I didn’t marvel at it all and think to myself, ‘Wow, this is amazing’. I didn’t ‘think’ anything because all thought, all ego had gone. It all just ‘was’. I just ‘was’ and I was sat on my bed staring at it all, one with it all in a state of Pure God Energy. It was nameless, formless and oh how I wish I could explain this better to you. We are all one with each other and with everything in the Universe. We are the universe!

I remained in this state for, I don’t know how long. And then gradually, my vibration left that frequency and I slowly became a part of the every day that we see here in this physical realm. One thing I do really wonder about though through this experience is the fact that during that ‘time’, my children didn’t once come upstairs and I didn’t hear them playing and considering my heightened sensitivity to sight, I find that perplexing. Normally, they would be finding me for something but, nothing! I have two possible conclusions for this. Either the whole thing happened in a very quick space of time ( as I say, time didn’t exist where I was), or it was being ‘managed’ for me that I wouldn’t be disturbed during my experience. I feel it was gifted to me as a part of my life’s journey.

I have watched many a documentary recently about various states of bliss, of knowing, that can only be attained through years of dedicated yoga and meditation practices and I’m sorry but I’m going to have to disagree with that. I didn’t reach this place through the practice of meditation or yoga. I did neither. What I did, however, was live in an almost permanent state of low vibrational stress. And cried into too many bottles of wine. And smoked too many cigarettes. I begged for help and help was given. Okay, unlike yogis and dedicated practitioners of meditation, I didn’t remain anywhere close to that state in my day to day life as they no doubt do, so there is that, I suppose. Since then I have continued, at times, to be stressed at the kids, use the word hate when I know how damaging it is, been violent in mind, words and deed, judge people and struggle. And drink too much wine and smoke too many ciggies, which thankfully I do not do any longer ( but that’s another story).

What I have done since that divine evening nine years ago, however, is give thanks. So, so many thank yous, for being gifted this experience. My memories of the feeling of Pure, Unconditional, Divine, Love Energy, will stay with me forever.


Heidi xxx


The next day I took my children to the theatre again in the day time to speak to the manager. I told her what had happened on that awful evening of the pantomime and she showed us all so much love. She gifted us all free tickets to the show in seats with good viewing but also where we couldn’t be disturbed or disturb others on an evening to suit us. We were given our own personal usher so that if I had to take one of my children to the loo, she could sit with the others. The children were all gifted goody bags, free programmes and complimentary snacks and drinks. I couldn’t thank the manager enough! What a beautiful person. We had the most fantastic evening.

Thank you then and thank you now.