Seeings that so much is happening with me lately on a spiritual level, I’d like to tell you about an experience I had in 2008. It’s a really long time ago now but it’s still as real to me now as though it happened yesterday. But it’s really important I tell people now as I’ve only told about three, maybe four people in that time. It was an extraordinary experience. And I’m trusting that if you’re interested, you’ll stay with me and I really hope you do. So, grab yourself a drink of some kind and thank you in advance for reading.
I’ve never really had a name for my experience. I just know that it was divinely beautiful and that I’d reached a much higher state of consciousness.
I just know that I’ve held the experience in my heart for all this time. And then when the children became older I was able to explore a little bit more of what interested me, I started to look into Kundalini awakening and thought maybe it was that, but I don’t know, to be honest.
However, something I’ve come across recently, through studying the science behind yoga and Hindu philosophy and traditions, is a beautiful Sanskrit word, three words actually, Sat Chit Ananda. Sat means existence. Chit means consciousness and Ananda means bliss. From what I’ve read, it pretty much sounds like what was going on for me during my experience.
Now, I’m no enlightened yogi and certainly wasn’t then either. Okay, I am clairvoyant, clairsentient and have been seeing and feeling spirit all my life, ( ‘handed down to me’ by my dad and his mum who was an extremely gifted clairvoyant ), my earliest memory being when I was four years old, but I wasn’t practising anything remotely spiritual in my life back then save the usual ‘law of attraction’ stuff ( which lets face is fed to us not about being spiritual, not about love but simply about what we can get. That car, that house etc etc.) and I had absolutely no knowledge at all about the higher state of consciousness which Indian yogis, devoted 24/7 to their practice spend their lives trying to attain and I don’t even know if that is what I experienced anyway. I was just me. I’m not being big headed about this, you know, like, Oh, people try to attain this state all their lives, I don’t know about any of that, I’m not egotistical about what happened to me either. All I know is that this incredible experience happened to me and I need to start telling people about it. It’s time now.
I’ve been a lone parent for 27 years and I can’t deny that it’s been hard as three out of my five children are disabled with a chromosome condition called Smith Magenis Syndrome and it is claimed, by geneticists and doctors, that if you compare this particular condition, SMS for short, with other disabilities and chromosome conditions, ie, Fragile X, autism, Downs Syndrome etc, SMS presents with the highest level of challenging behaviours and traits. It is very difficult for the individuals with SMS and it is very difficult for the parents raising those children. However, I do strongly believe that we choose each other, we choose our lives and our birth families. We come back time and again to learn lessons and to release the karmic patterns. And I am eternally grateful to my children for choosing me because, without them, this story wouldn’t be what it was. Maybe I would never have even had reason to write it. However, even having said all that, raising my children alone for all these years has been hard. VERY, VERY, VERY HARD. The challenging behaviours to deal with alone was phenomenally hard and I would get very down. Not major bouts of depression, luckily, because I didn’t have time to be depressed and I seem to have been gifted with this enormous strength of character. Since childhood, I’ve been very good at picking myself up and brushing myself off. But still, I had no quality of life and neither did my daughter Hope. Everything you know, everything you take for granted from basic stuff like sitting down to a meal, to taking a crap, from going out shopping to cooking to anything, ANYTHING, was hard. Rune couldn’t cope with having anyone other than me or his sisters at home. He was violent (in his nonmeaning way- when you can’t communicate through speech and you feel scared/ frustrated/ etc- what else can you do) and India, although higher functioning than Rune, was struggling in the same way. It was a nightmare for Hope.
Day to day was always challenging. People stare A LOT!
Anyhow, the precursor to my Spiritual experience came in the way of a visit to our local theatre to watch a Pantomime. I had signed us up to attend with a local group of other disabled children and their parents and carers. We were to be given a special area of the theatre where our kids could behave as they needed to without disturbing the other guests viewing.
We were late!
Getting all the kids ready to leave the house at the same time, coping with anxieties born from excitement from my two SMSers, changing Rune’s continence nappy again for the millionth time, trying to persuade India that she really did need a coat and all the other tooing and frowing that normally went with us trying to get out of the door, meant that we were late arriving.
Anyway, the usher didn’t know where our group was seated so just hurriedly sat us in some spare seats with other members of the audience. It was awful! People moaned about us and my children to my face because they couldn’t keep still and were jumping up and down and then India needed the loo so I had to leave Hope to cope with Rune herself and she was only ten years old and just a child herself then. Oh, and she cried to me when I returned from the loo, that the people seated behind us then started to moan at her too! Oh God, how difficult that must have been for my poor girl.
Why didn’t you just pack up the kids and leave that theatre, Heidi?
I never give up, is the answer to that. When it comes to my children, I just keep going because I know that in the next second, or minute, hour, week, or sometime this year, or next year, things might, just might, improve. When it comes to any shitty situation, I know deep down in my heart that there will come a time when life will improve. And I just wanted to give the kids lots of life experiences and memories of days out and holidays. I knew that if I kept a hold of what went before with the tantrums and meltdowns and smashing objects, the physical pain of being hurt and generally abused, I would never do anything anymore. I would just keep us all locked indoors and have even less of a quality of life than we already had. So I chose to forget and just keep going. I’m nothing if not tenacious! I just never believed that my children’s disabilities could stop us, I suppose.
However, that theatre experience was bloody awful and it knocked me for six. It wasn’t just one of those ‘pick yourself back up and brush yourself off’ times.
I was angry that people could be so cruel and unaccommodating ( even though I knew deep down that they had every right to go to the theatre and view a performance that they had paid for, without having their time there ruined by two kids with SMS)!
I was so, so desperately heartbroken for Hope. My poor girl who was just, over and over, getting her life shat on from a great height by SMS. You can read a little about her life and SMS here.
I was thinking WHY ME? What have I done to deserve this pain? I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel and I just didn’t know how to make things better anymore. I couldn’t see how I could pick myself up from this. I was sick to death of doing it all on my own, no support, respite, no break from this life. I didn’t care that we had all chosen each other or that ‘we are given only what we can cope with’. I was in despair of how I could carry on. I couldn’t see an end to this. Every day just trudging on and trying to keep afloat through this quagmire of Smith Magenis Syndrome. Not one day went pass without something happening with the twins. Even the good days were never challenge free. I was exhausted and in complete despair and I had run out of hope for the future. I wanted to curl up in a ball in some far away cave, away from life and be left alone. I just wanted peace. I wanted and desperately needed a break.
I have no idea on what date or what time my awakening happened. All I know is that for the next few days, ( or it might’ve even been utill the next evening), my feelings of despair continued.
The girls were playing downstairs and Rune was asleep and I decided to take a bath. I sat in the water, curled up with my knees to my chest and cried. I wondered how I could kill myself but realized I couldn’t because I had children and they were disabled, and even Hope who is mainstream; who would care for them? I am their life as they are mine and I am all they have but in those moments I saw no life, no future, only a never ending cycle of hardship and heartbreak.
I cried into my knees and begged, begged and pleaded for help. Who I was asking for this help, I didn’t at that time know. I just knew that I needed some.
And then it happened.
What I am about to describe to you I can only put in my English speaking words, just vocabulary but it means nothing. There is simply no words on this planet that can describe to you what happened to me. The bliss. Bliss, one word. Unconditional Love, two words. I can use words such as beautiful, fantastic, amazing, sublime, lovely, incredible etc.etc. but really, they don’t even come close to adequately describing the enormity of feeling of the pure Love I felt. It’s not like the love you feel when you love someone with all your heart- it was beyond realms love – it is a love of another dimension type love. A God love. A universal love. Our true nature Love. It’s a love that cannot be described because it can only be felt.
It started with a pain in my head. Small at first but intensifying very quickly to the point where I was clutching my head with both hands and thinking, Shit, shit, shit, I am having a brain aneurysm in the bath! Oh my God, my girls are going to come upstairs and find me dead! I had no idea what was happening to my head, all I knew was that the pain was off the scale. I felt like my brain was going to explode. At this point I hadn’t connected this pain in my head with my begging for help and strength and why would I? It felt as though my head had just been run over by a truck and my brains squished out on the road! I was so, so scared and just remember thinking, this is it. I’m fucking dying in the bath.
Then in a heartbeat, the pain was gone!
What replaced it was pure, undiluted, unconditional Love energy. It started in the crown of my head with the same like full-on intensity as the pain only seconds before and then washed over me entirely. It was as though it was being poured from a jug into the top of my head and it was cascading down and through my whole body. I could feel every single cell in my entire body, become super alive with this sublime Love energy. This amazing, non-worldly energy washed through me, up and down, all over and then some!
Then suddenly I was healed. There was no pain, sadness, past or future. Nothing existed only the moment. I was flooded with a knowledge about our entire existence as spiritual beings. I saw everything, EVERYTHING! I saw the cosmos. I saw light and dark. I saw different dimensions. The dark doesn’t exist. Only light exists. I saw why we are here. I saw my life, past lives and why we come here. We are here to experience only true love. This is true! Anything you may have read about this I can tell you unequivocally this is true! There is NO BAD! It is only good! I became the Universe. No, I was the Universe! I can’t properly describe to you this knowledge because I can’t tell you! It was a ‘knowing’ that came from another dimension. A God dimension. And it wasn’t linear. If I tried to explain to you, this happened and then I knew that it wouldn’t make sense because it wasn’t like that. It was all in one. Timeless, formless. And the feeling of Unconditional Love! Oh my!
I no longer remained seated in the bath. I jumped up and stood there, alive with Love energy. So here’s a thing. Interestingly, I had been given a book sometime back by my sister. The book was called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I’d read a bit and I could see it was beautiful teachings but I wasn’t ready for it. Probably too bloody knackered to read at bedtime, to be honest with you. (Rune and India, having reversed circadian rhythms, a symptom of Smith-Magenis syndrome, didn’t really sleep at night. I was pretty much permanently tired so bedtime was precious. If they were asleep when I turned in, I made certain I would grab what sleep I could before the nightly rounds)!
Anyway, I was ‘told’, ‘guided’ to read this book, and which I have done since that evening.
I saw that there is nothing to fear. We are all so perfect and we are all so beautiful. And we are so, so loved. I was given the knowledge that there is no need for this pain we carry around with us in this physical world. All those feelings which completely destroy us. Feelings of rejection and pain and heartache. WE are pure light! We are pure Love! And we walk around on the earthly plane not even knowing it. But I knew it then and I felt it and I was it. I had reached a dimension where I was one with all things, one with all beings, one with the Universe. And it was the most amazing and beautiful experience.
Yet, it wasn’t over.
So I’m stood in my bath and smiling. I have no idea if I was physically smiling but my whole being felt as though I was all the smiles on the faces of all the people in this world. I was so happy! Again, that happiness cannot be described. We think we experience happiness here because we’ve got a new this or that, or this thing is happening, or we’re seeing that person or going on that holiday or we’ve just had some great sex etc. Please don’t misunderstand me. It’s great to feel that happiness. It’s just not the same happiness as true, undiluted, unconditional happiness which you feel when you’re seeing things through Gods eyes!
So I got out of my bath soaking wet and remember not feeling cold. I felt nothing in the physical sense. I was Pure Love! However, habit dictated I put a towel around me and I went to my bedroom. I felt as though I floated to my room, not walked although I can’t clarify that. It’s just how it felt. I mean, considering what I was experiencing, anything could’ve happened, right? I sat on my bed and there was no past, and there was no future. There was just pure, beautiful stillness. Stillness and peace. That was it. That is all there was. That is all there is. There was nothing wrong in the world. There was nothing wrong inside me. There was no ego. It had left me and instead, there was just Divine Love. I could’ve been sat there for five minutes, I could’ve been sat there for an hour. I don’t know! Time simply ceased to exist. Because in our purest form, time doesn’t exist anyway! Like so many other parts of our physical experience, time is a man made concept to assist us on our linear journey through space but in reality, nothing is linear. It’s all happening at the same time and I was that. I had reached far beyond the confines of time and existed only in the here and now. I understood that there is no beginning and no end.
I sat still on my bed and my eyesight became more heightened than the most powerful telescope this planet has ever invented.
My bedroom did not look as it normally looked! Smart T.V’s have got nothing on Pure Light, let me tell you that much!
Everything had an aura, from my furniture to my curtains. A lovely, purple, vibrating aura surrounded everything and I understood energy and it is beautiful! I looked at my duvet cover and I could see the energy of the molecules and beyond inside the strands of the thread which made up the close stitching which in turn made the duvet cover what it was. Again, a sublime, gentle vibrating. Everything was vibration. And I didn’t marvel at it all and think to myself, ‘Wow, this is amazing’. I didn’t ‘think’ anything because all thought, all ego had gone. It all just ‘was’. I just ‘was’ and I was sat on my bed staring at it all, one with it all in a state of Pure God Energy. It was nameless, formless and oh how I wish I could explain this better to you. We are all one with each other and with everything in the Universe. We are the universe!
I remained in this state for, I don’t know how long. And then gradually, my vibration left that frequency and I slowly became a part of the every day that we see here in this physical realm. One thing I do really wonder about though through this experience is the fact that during that ‘time’, my children didn’t once come upstairs and I didn’t hear them playing and considering my heightened sensitivity to sight, I find that perplexing. Normally, they would be finding me for something but, nothing! I have two possible conclusions for this. Either the whole thing happened in a very quick space of time ( as I say, time didn’t exist where I was), or it was being ‘managed’ for me that I wouldn’t be disturbed during my experience. I feel it was gifted to me as a part of my life’s journey.
I have watched many a documentary recently about various states of bliss, of knowing, that can only be attained through years of dedicated yoga and meditation practices and I’m sorry but I’m going to have to disagree with that. I didn’t reach this place through the practice of meditation or yoga. I did neither. What I did, however, was live in an almost permanent state of low vibrational stress. And cried into too many bottles of wine. And smoked too many cigarettes. I begged for help and help was given. Okay, unlike yogis and dedicated practitioners of meditation, I didn’t remain anywhere close to that state in my day to day life as they no doubt do, so there is that, I suppose. Since then I have continued, at times, to be stressed at the kids, use the word hate when I know how damaging it is, been violent in mind, words and deed, judge people and struggle. And drink too much wine and smoke too many ciggies, which thankfully I do not do any longer ( but that’s another story).
What I have done since that divine evening nine years ago, however, is give thanks. So, so many thank yous, for being gifted this experience. My memories of the feeling of Pure, Unconditional, Divine, Love Energy, will stay with me forever.
The next day I took my children to the theatre again in the day time to speak to the manager. I told her what had happened on that awful evening of the pantomime and she showed us all so much love. She gifted us all free tickets to the show in seats with good viewing but also where we couldn’t be disturbed or disturb others on an evening to suit us. We were given our own personal usher so that if I had to take one of my children to the loo, she could sit with the others. The children were all gifted goody bags, free programmes and complimentary snacks and drinks. I couldn’t thank the manager enough! What a beautiful person. We had the most fantastic evening.
Thank you then and thank you now.